That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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