Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
