I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize