he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Barsexuality is the new black.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
