Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
