dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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