I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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