I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I pour the whiskey from now on
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
