birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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