fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
im on a boat
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