You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
