I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
