So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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