cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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