Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
