I wish I could punch you in the face.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
