a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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