don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize