I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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