and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
