woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
