If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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