i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
