chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
