I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
