I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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