I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
