I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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