NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
