Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
