Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
