you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
