He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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