masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
