How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
