Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize