how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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