While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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