Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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