If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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