Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
