...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
