He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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