I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
