I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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