My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
