She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
