her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
