I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
