conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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