Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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