billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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