I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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