If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
