My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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