Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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