my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
