I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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