i may or may not be watching the land before time
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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