You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize