The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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