Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
