Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize