I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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