I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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