So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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