I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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