I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
actually, I'm a sock model
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
