i can't believe i had my finger in that
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
