I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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