1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize