On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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