I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
