can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
