what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize