I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
