i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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